Substantive editing sample 63:
Out of character

In these excerpts from a screen play, the substantive editor had to watch for character descriptions that were inappropriate, and suggest changes to the author.

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37. INT. WESCOTT 10TH GRADE ENGLISH CLASS -- MORNING WESCOTT Can anyone give me a definition of the word peace?   CLIFFORD People not fighting each other?   WESCOTT Richie?   RICHIE Countries not getting along?   WESCOTT Carol?   CAROL The absence of aggression?   WESCOTT The absence of aggression? I like that. What's a definition of war? Abbie?   ABBIE Countries fighting?   WESCOTT Fighting who?   ABBIE The enemy?   WESCOTT Who is the enemy?   CLIFFORD Oh, oh, I know!   WESCOTT Clifford?   CLIFFORD The communists.   WESCOTT What is a communist?   ABBIE Someone who wants to take over our country.   WESCOTT What does a communist look like? The class is silent. GRABBING a stick of chalk, Wescott draws a picture of an Asian man wearing a straw hat and pointing a rifle on the black board. WESCOTT Is this a communist? The class is silent. Wescott adds bullets coming out the gun.

70. INT. TWO BAY GARAGE -- AFTERNOON Steve is alone as Dolores comes in. DOLORES Hey there, Steve.   STEVE Hi Mrs. Tanke   DOLORES You know you can call me Dolores. My friends do.   STEVE Well, I--   DOLORES I'd like to think of you as my friend. She comes closer to Steve, and begins to rub his hair. DOLORES (CONT'D) We are friends, Steve. Right?   STEVE Yeah. But--   DOLORES I mean if Alex could screw around with a 20 year old whore, I could have my own friends too.   STEVE Mrs. Tanke...   DOLORES Dolores.   STEVE Dolores, I--   DOLORES Just hold me. Please just hold me. I feel like such crap. Steve puts his arm around Dolores, holds her and strokes her hair. EXT. JOHN'S PORCH -- EVENING Two uniformed US Marine officers are talking to John's parents. Barry is standing behind his wife. As the officers speak, his Mother falls to her knees. DEBBIE No, no, no! CUT TO: INT. VA HOSPITAL-DAY Richie's father seated at table in day room, staring off into space.

71. CUT TO: INT. GRUMMANS PLANT -- DAY Carol's father happily working on computer in jet cockpit. CUT TO: INT. CLASSROOM-DAY Smith, seated at his desk, looking at a photograph of his uniformed son. CUT TO: INT. TWO BAY GARAGE -- AFTERNOON Steve, Richie and Carol are waiting. STEVE It's not like him to miss a practice.   CAROL Maybe he... John walks in. JOHN Hey guys. [distant]   STEVE Are you alright? You seem--   JOHN It's Pete. [sobbing] We found out last night that he's missing in action.   STEVE Shit!   JOHN They couldn't tell us if he's alive,...or dead. Carol reaches out to comfort him. CAROL I'm so sorry, John. I know how you must feel.   JOHN [angry] You think you do? You think you do? Your brother's in Canada, cause he's a coward. Not Pete. He enlisted--

72. STEVE Pete's a tough guy. Shit, he'll walk right out of that fucken jungle.   JOHN I don't know. I'm just so scared that I'll never see him again.   CAROL Pete's gonna make it. You just have To believe. Carol touches John's shoulder as she looks over at Steve and Richie. INT.VA HOSPITAL -DAY ROOM- AFTERNOON Steve and Dottie sit across from a drugged David as he slowly works on a crude box made of ice cream sticks. DOTTIE You look well, honey.   DAVID Uh huh.   STEVE Yeah, Dad. You'll be coming home soon.   DOTTIE The neighbors all ask about you.   DAVID And what do you tell them?   DOTTIE Why I--   DAVID Do you tell them your husband is an nut job?

Markup
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37. INT. WESCOTT 10TH GRADE ENGLISH WESCOTT'S 10TH-GRADE ENGLISH CLASS -- MORNING WESCOTT Can anyone give me a definition of the word peace? word peace?   CLIFFORD People not fighting each other?   WESCOTT Richie?   RICHIE Countries not getting along?   WESCOTT Carol?   CAROL The absence of aggression?   WESCOTT The absence of aggression? I like that. What's a definition of war? Abbie?   ABBIE Countries fighting?   WESCOTT Fighting who? Fighting whom? [After all, Wescott is an English teacher.]   ABBIE The enemy?   WESCOTT Who is the enemy?   CLIFFORD Oh, oh, I know!   WESCOTT Clifford?   CLIFFORD The communists. The Communists.   WESCOTT What is a communist? Communist?   ABBIE Someone who wants to take over our country.   WESCOTT What does a communist Communist look like? The class is silent. GRABBING a stick of chalk, Wescott draws a picture of an Asian man wearing a straw hat and pointing a rifle on the black board. Wescott draws on the blackboard a picture of an Asian man wearing a straw Coolie hat and pointing a rifle. [The original could have been misread that the Asian man was pointing a rifle on the blackboard.] WESCOTT Is this a communist? Communist? The class is silent. Wescott adds bullets coming out the gun. coming out of the rifle.

70. INT. TWO BAY GARAGE TWO-BAY GARAGE -- AFTERNOON Steve is alone as Dolores comes in. DOLORES Hey there, Steve.   STEVE Hi Mrs. Tanke Hi, Mrs. Tanke.   DOLORES You know you You know, you can call me Dolores. My friends do.   STEVE Well, I--   DOLORES I'd like to think of you as my friend. She comes closer to Steve, and Steve and begins to rub his hair. stroke his hair. DOLORES (CONT'D) We are friends, Steve. Right?   STEVE Yeah. But--   DOLORES I mean if Alex could can screw around with a 20 year old whore, twenty-year-old whore, I could have I guess I can have my own friends too. own friends, too.   STEVE Mrs. Tanke... Mrs. Tanke--   DOLORES Dolores.   STEVE Dolores, I--   DOLORES Just hold me. Please just hold me. I feel like such crap. Steve puts his arm around Dolores, holds her and holds her, and strokes her hair. EXT. JOHN'S THE SCOTTS' PORCH -- EVENING Two uniformed US U.S. Marine officers are talking to John's parents. Debbie and Barry. Barry is standing behind his wife. As the officers speak, his Mother falls Debbie falls to her knees. DEBBIE No, no, no! CUT TO: INT. VA HOSPITAL-DAY INT. VA HOSPITAL -- DAY Richie's father seated David seated [Richie's father, Alex Tanke, is not in the hospital. Alex "can screw around with a twenty-year-old whore," as Dolores, Richie's mother, has just said. Steve's father, David Kayne, is the one who is "shell shocked" from the Korean War and needs to spend a lot of time in the VA hospital.] at table in day room, at a table in the day room, staring off into space.

71. CUT TO: INT. GRUMMANS GRUMMAN'S PLANT -- DAY Carol's father happily Bob is happily working on computer in jet cockpit. on a computer in a jet cockpit. CUT TO: INT. CLASSROOM-DAY CLASSROOM -- DAY Smith, seated at his desk, looking at looks at a photograph of his uniformed son. CUT TO: INT. TWO BAY TWO-BAY GARAGE -- AFTERNOON Steve, Richie and Carol Steve, Richie, and Carol are waiting. [This seems a little quick after the scene in the garage with Dolores, Richie's mother, coming on to Steve. I realize that it was the previous afternoon, but the intervening cuts have happened very fast.] STEVE It's not like him to miss a practice.   CAROL Maybe he... Maybe he-- John walks in. JOHN Hey guys. [distant]   STEVE Are you alright? all right? You seem--   JOHN It's Pete. [sobbing] We found out last night that he's missing in action.   STEVE Shit!   JOHN They couldn't tell us if he's alive,...or dead. alive...or dead. Carol reaches out to comfort him. CAROL I'm so sorry, John. I know how you must feel.   JOHN [angry] You think you do? You think you do? Your brother's in Canada, cause 'cause he's a coward. Not Pete. He enlisted--

72. STEVE Pete's a tough guy. Shit, he'll walk right out of that fucken fuckin' jungle.   JOHN I don't know. I'm just so scared that I'll never see him again.   CAROL Pete's gonna make it. You just have To believe. You just have to believe. [This speech of Carol's and the stage direction that follows, with her touching John's shoulder, is not believable. Even though she is a very compassionate character, it would take her a little bit longer to overcome the hurt feelings she must have after John's remark about her brother being a coward.] Carol touches John's shoulder as she looks over at Steve and Richie. INT.VA HOSPITAL -DAY ROOM- AFTERNOON INT. VA HOSPITAL -- DAY ROOM -- AFTERNOON Steve and Dottie sit across from a drugged David as he slowly works on David, who is slowly working on a crude box made of ice cream sticks. DOTTIE You look well, honey.   DAVID Uh huh.   STEVE Yeah, Dad. You'll be coming home soon.   DOTTIE The neighbors all ask about you.   DAVID And what do you tell them?   DOTTIE Why I-- Why, I--   DAVID Do you tell them your husband is an nut job? is a nut job?

Result
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37. INT. WESCOTT'S 10TH-GRADE ENGLISH CLASS -- MORNING WESCOTT Can anyone give me a definition of the word peace?   CLIFFORD People not fighting each other?   WESCOTT Richie?   RICHIE Countries not getting along?   WESCOTT Carol?   CAROL The absence of aggression?   WESCOTT The absence of aggression? I like that. What's a definition of war? Abbie?   ABBIE Countries fighting?   WESCOTT Fighting whom?   ABBIE The enemy?   WESCOTT Who is the enemy?   CLIFFORD Oh, oh, I know!   WESCOTT Clifford?   CLIFFORD The Communists.   WESCOTT What is a Communist?   ABBIE Someone who wants to take over our country.   WESCOTT What does a Communist look like? The class is silent. GRABBING a stick of chalk, Wescott draws on the blackboard a picture of an Asian man wearing a straw Coolie hat and pointing a rifle. WESCOTT Is this a Communist? The class is silent. Wescott adds bullets coming out of the rifle.

70. EXT. THE SCOTTS' PORCH -- EVENING Two uniformed U.S. Marine officers are talking to Debbie and Barry. Barry is standing behind his wife. As the officers speak, Debbie falls to her knees. DEBBIE No, no, no! CUT TO: INT. VA HOSPITAL -- DAY David seated at a table in the day room, staring off into space. CUT TO: INT. GRUMMAN'S PLANT -- DAY Bob is happily working on a computer in a jet cockpit. CUT TO: INT. CLASSROOM -- DAY Smith, seated at his desk, looks at a photograph of his uniformed son. CUT TO: INT. TWO-BAY GARAGE -- AFTERNOON Steve, Richie, and Carol are waiting. STEVE It's not like him to miss a practice.   CAROL Maybe he-- John walks in. JOHN Hey guys. [distant]   STEVE Are you all right? You seem--   JOHN It's Pete. [sobbing] We found out last night that he's missing in action.

71. STEVE Shit!   JOHN They couldn't tell us if he's alive...or dead. Carol reaches out to comfort him. CAROL I'm so sorry, John. I know how you must feel.   JOHN [angry] You think you do? You think you do? Your brother's in Canada, 'cause he's a coward. Not Pete. He enlisted--   STEVE Pete's a tough guy. Shit, he'll walk right out of that fuckin' jungle.   JOHN I don't know. I'm just so scared that I'll never see him again.   RICHIE Hey, remember when we were kids and he showed us how to fight?   JOHN He would beat the living crap out of us.   RICHIE Both of us would try to take him down, and he just--   JOHN Stood there like a Goddamn oak tree. He was something... Carol quietly walks out of the garage. INT. VA HOSPITAL -- DAY ROOM -- AFTERNOON Steve and Dottie sit across from a drugged David, who is slowly working on a crude box made of ice cream sticks. DOTTIE You look well, honey.   DAVID Uh huh.   STEVE Yeah, Dad. You'll be coming home soon.   DOTTIE The neighbors all ask about you.   DAVID And what do you tell them?   DOTTIE Why, I--   DAVID Do you tell them your husband is a nut job?